hopeless

im feeling so hopeless right now. its like everything is spinning out of control. my marriage is falling apart. we have financial problems on top of that. losing friends left and right. i have so much to be thankful for but i just cant seem to be thankful. its so hard when u love somebody so much and they insist on slowly killing themselves with prescription abuse. its just sad. and maddening. i just want to shake him and say wake up. hes missing so much of our lives  and the kids lives because he cant leave the damn pills alone. then he has a friend over that absolutely isnt helping matters. he is worse than alec. and i dont have the heart to tell him to go away. but im going to have to. we have no privacy and no time to even try to talk alone about our relationship. and to be honest i dont think i can talk nicely at this point. someone passing out every night and leaving me to handle everything and giving me no kind of affection whatsoever is not my idea of marital bliss. i just resent him so much. its not fair that everything lies on my shoulders and i have to be a bitch all the time. i dont have a chance to cut loose and relax. hes relaxed enough for both of us all the time. and everyone we know thinks im just mean and a bitch to him. they just dont know. they dont understand what is going on behind the scenes. i have to be this way to keep any sense of order for the kids. it just sucks.